Condaleeza Rice Orders Invasion of Iran: Congress Angry but Vow to Support Troops

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Citing an intercepted communiqué from an Iranian pilot who shouted an Islamic oath as he approached Washington's Dulles Airport, incoming Secretary of State, Condaleeza Rice, informed Congress late last night that she had ordered the downing of the passenger jet he was piloting and the immediate launch of Patriot missiles at Tehran. By the time reviews of the tapes by the CIA revealed that a flight attendant had spilled coffee on the pilot who merely uttered a common Arabic exclamation, it had been too late to call back the missile strike.

Insisting that there was no alternative but to "stay the course," a bipartisan show of hands in both houses of Congress unanimously approved a follow-up landing of Marines from an amphibious battle group that happened to be parked off the coast after training operations in the Persian Gulf. Two fighter wings recently stationed in Pakistan and Azerbaijan began bombing raids on several major Iranian cities early this morning.

Outgoing Secretary of State, Colin Powell, defended the invasion saying that “some intelligence failures” may have been involved, “but we know that the Iranians had no intention of halting their nuclear program, and our former allies in old Europe seemed intent on helping them hide their nefarious plans.” Powell also cited Iran’s record on women’s rights.

The passenger jet, along with 250 mostly Middle Eastern passengers along with one or two Russian dignitaries, an Azerbaijani and a possible member of the Pakistani ISI, were intercepted and destroyed by F-16’s from Bolling Air Force Base.

Some eye witnesses who said they “were out fishin’” early this morning, however, claim they saw the plane go down after an explosion long before the fighter jets arrived. “It was like a bomb went off near the tail section,” said one fisherman who declined to be identified.

Their claims are being dismissed by Dr. Rice who says that she gave the orders in response to intelligence reports from the CIA that Iran was about to attack Washington DC with a passenger jet.

“Well, we did say that and we didn’t,” said Porter Goss, the incoming director of the CIA. “George Tenet may have said that,” said Goss, referring to the outgoing director, “but I certainly didn’t.” Goss also defended the invasion, insisting that Tehran was a sponsor of international terrorism. “We know that Iranian intelligence was involved in the recent ETA bombings in Madrid, as well as the funding of Ansar al Islam in Indonesia,” he said.

Vice President Cheney assured reporters at a press conference this afternoon that the White House “personally” would launch a full investigation into the intelligence snafu, but insisted that “total and immediate liquidation” of Iran’s military capabilities was now necessary to forestall an inevitable retaliatory strike. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld insisted that the massive use of small tactical nuclear weapons would keep US casualties to a minimum. He noted that ground troops in eastern Iraq were still needed there to maintain order for the upcoming elections. Since the election of Hamid Karzai, however, some troops currently stationed in Afghanistan may be freed up to maintain border security, he said.